Step #2 – Distance

I’ve mentioned “The Four Steps” that I followed to help me come to terms with my father’s transition from male to female. We’ve covered Step #1 – Grieve, and now it’s time for Step #2 – Distance.

By the end of the grief process, you have (hopefully) accepted the loss of your parent as you knew him or her. And now that you have grieved and accepted, it is time to move on to the next step of the healing process. Once again, moving on may be difficult because although your parent is gone in the way you used to perceive him or her, he or she is also still physically there.

This is a recurring challenge faced by children in these types of situations, and perhaps the most confusing. To grieve the loss of someone who is still physically there…it’s hard to explain. 

In addition, there might not be much time for you to process your parent’s new life choice, especially if he or she is jumping right into hormone replacement therapy, participating in a new lifestyle, or moving far away. There may come a point where everything going on simply becomes overwhelming, and this is where distance becomes a necessity. It is the only thing that will allow you to step back and regroup so eventually you can evaluate the situation with a rational, unbiased frame of mind. Distance is step #2 for a reason: it leads you to step #3 in The Four Step process.

This distance need not be entirely physical, but emotional too. Especially if you are a minor and still living with your parent, physical distance may be difficult. However, you can still do things that allow you to “get away.” Spend time with friends, participate in extracurricular activities and sports, or become involved with youth groups at your church or in your community. You need to distance yourself from the situation, focus on yourself and your interests, and take care not to let your parent’s new lifestyle depress or influence your happiness.

Unfortunately, this isn’t easy. It may be difficult to even understand and recognize that the situation is negatively affecting you.

As for myself, I had told myself from the beginning of my father’s transition that “everything is ok, I’m ok with it.” However, as the months passed and I found myself having trouble sleeping, paying attention in class, missing deadlines and assignments, losing friendships I had for years, and feeling anxious and utterly helpless in my own life I realized that I was not ok with what was happening at all. 

Although I was a college student living about an hour and a half away from my childhood home and the city where my father was living, and thus physically removed from the situation, I had not distanced myself emotionally. My father’s transition was influencing my happiness and distracting me from living my own life. I was still trying to retain my old life, “everything is ok,” when in fact my life was different and would never be the same.

For me, healing distance came in two forms: with the help of a counselor and my Peace Corps service. I recommend seeking the help of a counselor/therapist for every child in this type of situation. Joining the Peace Corps, however, is something I can’t recommend for everyone.

I dreamt of living and working in Africa since I was a young child, and decided early on that I wanted to join the Peace Corps after college before going to graduate school. I don’t believe that anyone should join the Peace Corps simply to get away from problems at home, however it does provide a great opportunity for learning about yourself and for being alone with your own thoughts. Although my primary objective in the Peace Corps was to serve in my local community and learn about my host country, my service taught me so much about myself and helped me grow in countless ways. It also helped me distance myself from my father’s transition and accept that my relationship with him/her will never be the same as before.

Once you have distanced yourself to the point where you can look at the situation and say something along the lines of “This isn’t ok, but I accept that it happened” you are ready for the next step.

 

 

 

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